One step at a time

I'll be watching 500 Days of Summer with Benne tomorrow. YAY!

I went out with some family friends this morning, too. Came home at around 1pm. What a great relief for a very boring life here in the house. I want to go out everyday until my flight on the 30th. Shoot, I don't want to continue being a bum, for the first time in my life. All I did was stare at the damn fucking computer and update my Plurk, Twitter and Facebook accounts. And oh, thank God for Blogspot, I have another account to update now.

I feel terrible here. If only I can store games or what, but the friggin' memory won't permit me. I have too many applications that I'm so afraid to let go. Hahaha. Some of it are QuickTime Player, Safari, Nokia PC Suite, MusicMatch Jukebox, Nero Showtime and many more. I rarely use some of them and the others, I just don't use at all. But I'm afraid that the time would come that I'd need them and I'd regret that I ever chose to remove them. Even my files, most of them, I don't use or read or open anymore. But I don't know. And, I like saving YM conversations soooo bad that it adds up to the hundreds of files which I already have here.

Anyhow, I wish for strength and courage to delete files. And remove applications. Please give me :( :)) 'Kay bye! :D

I'll wait right here

Facebook application says, “If you are not willing to sound stupid, you’re not worthy falling in love.” Is it true?

I suddenly traveled into deep thoughts. People often love realizing that they may get hurt, is that a justifiable reason enough to call you stupid? Just because you choose to risk yourself and love knowing pain will always be waiting for you in one way or another. I wonder, what’s with love that people often search for it? What’s with love that makes it so alluring? What’s with love that if you find it, you get a chance to find happiness too?

Have you ever wondered why a lot of people take their time risking themselves just to experience love in its two way course? Maybe it’s not just a mere experience. Maybe love is worthy enough to let your whole being be engulfed by it. It is like being in a state of pure bliss, finding love and letting it get the best of you. Despite knowing that if you lose it, you’ll most likely lose everything including yourself. The one you had before you found him.

If that’s the case then, I realized, why do I still badly want it? The answer is nowhere to be found. All I know is that love, in its real sense, is anything beyond ordinary. The fact that you get yourself be loved by someone so special and endearing and irresistible is just beyond compare. The fact that you get to have someone hug you when you’re feeling down or have someone take you to places you’ve never been before. The fact that you get to have someone accompany you if you feel bad about life and you just want to eat ice cream or chill around or sit and laugh and stay together all day. The fact that you get to have someone who’ll accept you as you and never hate you for your shortcomings and faults, someone who would love you more as he grows to know you deeper. Someone who would do anything to keep you around – no matter what it takes. Isn’t that just a wonderful thought? To be able to find someone whom you can be totally stupid with and would still love you for that? I wonder when will I find a love like that.

It’s just frustrating to engage in temporary love, sometimes. It keeps on ending gradually without me knowing the reasons why. I often wonder what’s wrong with me, or what’s with other people that I don’t have? What makes people choose another over me? I stayed late last night and realized that I trust people easily that’s why they keep on taking advantage of me, that’s why I always end up being the foolish one in the story – the one who always goes back home alone in the end…

I really hope to find him soon. The one who would never exchange me for another and be satisfied having me and me alone. The one who’d never get tired of assuring me that he’ll stay by my side. The one who’d never leave me if I happen to say the wrong words at perfect moments. The one who’d love me for everything that I happened to be and for every flaw in my personality. The one who’d never get annoyed if I keep on wanting to feel important every minute of everyday. The one who’d never break up with me just because I’m too jealous. And the one who’d always be there to show me how much he loves me.

Oh well, I might apply now what I’ve realized last night.
Anything in love is worth waiting. So I’ll keep on waiting for it :)

Simple as it should be

Last August 7, 2009, we went to the Philippine School for the Deaf to observe children with Hearing Impairment and the environment they’re in. There were around 500 students studying there and vocational courses are mostly offered in Highschool. Elementary subjects are regular but of course, since their students are mostly hearing impaired, they focus more on subjects related to Speech.

The school is more like a regular school setting. It doesn’t necessarily look as if the students there are experiencing difficulties in hearing. They have a library which offers the same set of books with regular students. They also have a cafeteria that serves healthy food and clinic which offers medical and dental services. Their reading center consists of two floors, the upper floor consists of tables and chairs while the lower floor consists of a wide variety of books.

Besides that, they also have a Speech Laboratory where in they can practice their speaking skills and speech of course. They have a lot of workshop rooms in Highschool; they have one for drafting, one for industrial crafts and more rooms especially designed for vocational courses.

The students have normal abilities just like regular students, well of course, except for the fact that they can not hear clearly or they just can not hear at all. And they often make sounds when raising their hands and it can sometimes be irritating for those who can hear. But they are exactly the same with others. They have normal cognitive level and motor skills. They can talk to you and express what they feel through hand signals or finger spelling. They can tell you if you’re pretty or if they feel good meeting you. Their failure to hear sounds or noises doesn’t necessarily mean failure in their school works or goals, it doesn’t also prevent them from speaking and telling people their ideas and thoughts.

Even though a lot of them are children and few are in the secondary level, I was inspired by how they face life. Their hearing impairment doesn’t hinder them from achieving a great life ahead and for hoping towards a better future. They do their best just to keep themselves normal as everybody else is. If you’d really come to think about it, they don’t actually have to adjust for other people but they do. They learn skills to communicate; they try to be the best potential person they can be. And they do this to show people that they deserve to be treated equally in the society, they deserve to enjoy the same rights and privileges. They deserve to be shown importance and respect. They are humans just like us, so that means they can have what we have in life and they can attain the same goals and dreams. And more importantly, they just proved to me that having a disability doesn’t mean they have less ‘cause there are always many ways to fill up what we’re lacking.

I don't want to wait

So this is how my fcukery day went.

I woke up early for school just because my professor in Theology doesn't permit late comers to take the exam. The first thing I looked for, the moment I opened my eyes was my phone, checked it for updates, went to messages then typed these words, "Good morning :)". Pressed the button in the center, selected his name among my contacts, then pressed send. I flipped it, faced the window to get some air and sunshine, looked back to check my phone then there he goes. Flashing his name on my little screen. "New message from ..." I was so surprised that I checked it the moment I saw his name flashing. The message says, "Same to you". I tried again saying, "Aga mo gumising :) Goodluck sa test." In just a matter of seconds, he replied, "Ty". What the hell. I mean, what was just that? I don't know if he was just doing something or whatever but it takes a lot of courage for me to press the send button after typing good morning and that was all I got. "Same to you" and "TY". It wasn't even the whole word, not even an effort to say goodluck back. After all, he knows that my finals lasts until tomorrow. Oh well, maybe he just doesn't care.

And so, my day went on. I was so devastated with my morning agenda but I don't have a choice but to continue my life and finish this bitching day. I stepped out of our house... and while I was walking on the street, the tric that I used to ride came rushing to my direction. He paused his tric in front of me so I assumed that I must ride on it. I went inside, and he looked at me, smiling and saying something. I thought it was just nothing so I ignored him. He looked at me again and I removed my earphones, looking soooo irritated. I asked him, "Ano po?" Then he said, "May iba akong sinusundo, pasensiya na." God, you must have seen my face, I sooo want to punch him. I was sooooooooooo embarassed. IN MY FACE. SHIT. I went off the tric, turned my back then rushed to the opposite direction. I covered my face with my hair, I don't want everyone to see me. I feel like the tric driver must be laughing so hard at that moment. I want to disappear and evaporate from his sight. And everybody's sight. I rode another tric, then continued on my way going to UST.

I arrived 15 minutes before the exam. Studied at Lacson, then went straight to our room with Gabby, Mon, Kim, Chanelle and Dai. My professor arrived before us but she was just arranging the seats then. I walked straight to my seat. When she was distributing the test papers, I called Chanelle, I told her to wait for me 'cos we'll be going home together. Dindi called me while Chanelle was saying yes, so I turned my back to her direction, I asked her, "Bakit?" She didn't answer back so I talked again and said, "Ano?" Then she said, "Si Ma'am, SSHHH." So I faced my professor's direction then saw her staring angrily at me. She suddenly said, "Get out." I smiled then went out. Another embarassing moment, I thought. I stayed outside for almost fifteen minutes until one of my blockmates called me and told me to get back inside. I entered our room and went straight to my chair. I sat and answered quietly. I have to get it done and cry later for such an embarassing moment.

3 devastating moments, how could I have handled all of them. I decided to proceed with my day, after all I don't know what would probably happen next. So there, I went to Viewpoint after my Theology final exam for Ikay's despedida. She'll be gone for a year and her baby's 3 months old now. I'm happy for her though 'cos she'll be having a baby soon :) I hope I'll be one of the godmothers. Anyhow, Mon returned my camera. I switched it on and to my surprise, it's already broken. Dude, my camera, my most loved camera is already broken. The lens won't lock anymore and the pictures are so blurred. I don't know what happened. I asked Mon if he dropped it or what but he said he didn't. But I just find it soooo impossible that it was broken without a cause. He doesn't want to admit it so I have no choice but to bear my broken camera's situation alone. I cried when I told my Mama about it. She kept on telling me that I don't really know how to take good care of my things. If she only knew that it wasn't me. I wouldn't have been scolded like that. *sigh*

I hate this day for being such a fcuking pain in my ass and my eyes, too. I wish tomorrow would be a better one.
Goodnight.

Life Goes On

I don't know how I feel right now. I think I should be happy but it's not the way it is. I thought I forgot about them already. I thought I already forgot about her and the other her. But it wasn't how I felt when someone told me about the LRT incident. It wasn't how I felt when I heard the news, that they're together and I don't know. Maybe happily walking, enjoying each other's presence. Not even bothering to think about me or how I'm doing after everything. I know I'm okay, I know I'm fine right now. But you see, the feeling you get when you receive such news, I don't know. It felt as if something stung my precious little heart, which hasn't even recovered yet. Screw them. How come they never felt any consideration for me? Was I never really worth any of their attention that they did everything without even trying to think of what I might feel? I never stopped asking myself these questions, even now. I mean, who the hell are they to do that to me. I shouldn't even bother but I don't know. They're just big freaking assholes that I want to kill sometimes. But of course, I won't do that. Though it would really be a great help in releasing my emotions. Oh, I know. I'll just do it through my great great imagination, or... throw plates. Or.. HOMYGAHHHD this is the bestest idea. I'll put A's picture in the wall and throw something on it until I get tired and continue it the next day... Until all my angry days are over. And I can finally erase her in my life.

Oh, how happy life would be.

All At Once

Here. My first blog.
How I wish Fortune Teller Genius tells me the truth.